african american mothers, Elders, encouragement, family, Grandmother, life, literature, St. Louis, Uncategorized, urban, writer, writing

certain points and quiet moments…

northside126

No one ever cared if they were wrong when they needed to be wrong…

I believed in things that if they were to come true would be so self-serving, very egotistical in nature. I refused at times to accept that some, well very important people are now traveling to another realm. The ones that passed on from us. I would love to have at least one more conversation with them; remarking on the news of the family.

Talk about what are the plans for the up and coming Thanksgiving.

Answered questions of loved ones, life, and awaiting wise advice from wise elders.

Not anymore in this realm.

One of my stops was at a second family’s household; in the heart of North Side St. Louis. I have such great thoughts of being over there. Football games, cookouts, parties, or just a welcoming place for the weary. That was my family; my other family who I loved so dearly. Then without warning she passed, the elder returned home.

In my selfishness I couldn’t get back to see her home-going and wished she was there until I could get back.

You never understand the complexity of it all; the wisdom of letting go when you are so far away. I couldn’t do that, did not want to do that. I returned back to household in North Side St. Louis City and paused. Halfway in tears, I paused to realize she was gone.

That in turn gave me strength to move on and more importantly to love my other family much more than before. I feel so horribly for my other family. They are still hurting. They still cry. They are angry. They are angry with themselves and with each other. All typical as I remember the same thing with members of my blood family. The same emotions that unite both families in my memory. It was as if time stop just for a second.

I kept on walking to the door. Knocked and it open—my other father smiled and greeted me.

It was great seeing him and hard at the same time. I paused just for a second, almost in full tears as I walked through the living room. My selfishness gave thought to wanting to see her in the kitchen; waiting, smiling and asking me about my day.

She wasn’t there and then, the tears came.

My other father comforted and I knew I needed to stop. I needed to be supported for he just lost his mother; this beautiful person. This wise, intelligent, strong-willed elder. The keeper of the family for many years, she left and he was hurting. So my selfishness was suppressed and we talked for hours of good times and future comes.

That visit left me feeling very strong and I was very honored to the words my other father told me before I left. Those words will not be uttered here but lets just say in all wisdom; it was good. A wisdom has always been apart of my other family.

This time I was wrong and needed to be so, loss equals gain from certain points and quiet moments.

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